february

before we hit the new month, what do you all want to hear about?

anything been rattling around and you just haven’t asked? *smiles*

inquiry rabbit minds want to know. 😉 you can reach me, and Master, through the contact page if you prefer.

❤ n

hair removal

i had read a post some time back at miss olivia’s about going to get waxed. this isn’t really in the same vein so i’m not going to worry about linking back, it did however have me thinking about the whole idea of hair removal, in any and all parts of the body, and when the last time was i had actually gone anywhere, or waxed.

for the record i never went anywhere to get waxed, i always did myself. cirque du soleil like flexibility remember? you will if you’ve been paying attention! 😉 so yes, i could do front, back, sides … you name it. i can very literally reach all areas of my body, scratch my own back, apply my own sunscreen and so on. so i did my own.

i was never worried about the pain and i dare say i turned myself on once or twice! lmao … yeah still a masochist! moving on. so i bought the equipment, bought the wax and got to work. *smiles* what i hated about waxing was that you have to let it grow out first BEFORE you can get a good and proper wax job, anything else would leave patches and spots where the hair is simply not long enough to grab hold of. any super fine hairs could also be a challenge. so i moved on, to laser hair removal!

now that i did go to a professional to do, twice, although most suggest that 6 sessions are probably the requirement to truly be rid of any hair, permanently. life interfered and by the time i was ready to go back the man i went to closed up shop. so … i bought my own kit!

the at home version is not as strong but it does a wonderful job, it does eventually get you to hair free BUT like all good fairytales the hair can and does come back with hormonal changes – like pregnancy, perimenopause etc. much less of it and much thinner usually but there could be a few strands here and there so having my own system is very convenient!

on an E-vile side note: Master seems to get great joy in zapping my tender parts, usually from behind while i’m ass up and cheeks spread! He almost always laughs out loud when i squeak and jump! UGH sadists!!! fortunately for me that hardly, well never?? happens anymore because there really isn’t anything left, at least nothing He has found or decided to ‘help’ with.

the draw back is that you can’t use it on darker skin tones, technically it’s not for the perineum or inner lip area etc. so you would be using it at your own risk! secondly, make sure you are dry, not sweaty etc. you can and will ‘boil’ your skin and leave blisters! i know this from experience!! *Eek*

all in all my experience has been great, no appointments, no regrowth, no hair left to worry about! i’m always ready for shorts or a swimsuit! *wink*

❤ n

preparing

i’ve always liked this picture, it gives me a calm feeling of knowing who and what i am. Who i belong to and what my purpose is.

no second guessing, no worrying if it’s right or wrong – if it’s what He wants, if He will be pleased.

i already know because of the direction and communication we have between the two of us. it’s simple, it’s comforting, it’s warm.

probably not what you would expect from the M/s picture that gets put out for public consumption! lol Master is more than just a sadist – He cares for me and He takes care of me.

He goes to great pains to make sure i have what i need, and sometimes what i want, too! *smiles* okay, He spoils me …. ❤

had a very short but very much needed session last night, before bed. curled up into His side on the couch afterwards for a bit and then went to the bedroom to wait. i did something He hadn’t asked for, waiting for Him on the floor in a very vulnerable position so that He could change out my anal plug for the night. (sure you can use your imagination here lol)

i think He was pleased, i’m sure He said something,

‘Oh, good girl.’

i think so … ?!? i can always tell when He’s very pleased, He slows the words down, His tone is darker?!? sometimes but normally just lower. i can almost hear His heart beat slow down. which of course has that same affect on mine.

i’m better, brighter … happy day, friends! be well, take care of yourselves

❤ n

mindful mondays

i used to write myself notes on what and how i would like things to be and how i could best serve Master

they were my mindful mondays – after a weekend of fun and connection, it always came naturally

i need to get back to that, i need to get back to being more mindful and intentional in my dynamic, our relationship.

this is my mindful monday – i will try to keep my thoughts on just Master and how to better serve, better behave, better be a mindful and humble slave 🙂

i choose to put my focus on Him instead of me, i am more balanced and more content when i live for Him and His pleasure, His wishes, His well being.

when i am completely and humbly – His!

❤ n

spiral

seems i’ve gotten myself into a bit of a spiral – my head is spinning and i know i’ve been pushing buttons!

i’ve probably gotten away with a bit more than what i should, been walking that fine line i guess you could say

Bear has been sick, we’ve had a lot to do … the damn back yard is flooded! been pumping out water all weekend and it just keeps coming. gave up on thinking things will normalize and we’ve ordered a 2″ gas powered water pump! unfortunately it won’t be here till wed. or thurs.

dishwasher broke – had to take it out this weekend as well, new one should be here wed.

i’ve been dreaming weird things – this morning i dreamt about smoking!?!? WTF?? i haven’t smoked in over 10 years but for some reason i dreamt it

He told me this morning i need a spanking!

i couldn’t agree more! problem is i don’t know how He’s going to manage that with no privacy … i think the ball gag would be a good start, not just for noise but because it puts me in the mindset that i truly have no say in the matter

this looks about right in my opinion, not that it matters what i think here. i guess we’ll see!

happy monday, friends!

❤ n

i’m a masochist – Master is a sadist

but it wasn’t always quite so cut and dry. even now the reasons and the hows may surprise some.

when we started out in this realm of being with each other i think i would have considered myself more of a ‘spanko’ and Master simply interested in giving me sexual arousal and making me very wet! 😛 that in turn of course turned Him on, but not so much the act of spanking – just the turning me on and wet!

from there (and some naughty videos later where He could clearly see it seemed to be enjoyed by others too!) i believe He began noticing His own arousal from giving spankings. i, on the other hand, began noticing my arousal at pain! Eek!! the sessions became harder and longer and the toys became more intense and sturdy!

now this is one part where it gets tricky, Master would almost always fuck me afterwards and allow (many) orgasms. He was getting very turned on by our sessions and, i think, the need to then own and control me … He also found He enjoyed forced orgasms, but that’s for another time *smiles* me, i was finding that many times i didn’t want or need sex, well not until He started playing with me in a sexual way, but before, before that i would have been very happy to end with pain and bondage and nothing else.

well, aftercare of course, you never go without aftercare! it may be lots or it may be just a short check in but you always do something …

then it changed again – i began noticing that i don’t really get turned on without some sort of pain or BDSM. i also noticed that i can’t orgasm without pain! anything else amounts to a ruined orgasm at best and nothing at all in most cases. so yeah, masochist.

it also became clear that i needed the bondage and s&m in one form or another to be well balanced and relatively stress free in my mind and spirit. this did start to dip into the area of self harm, something i wrote about previously so i’ll leave it at that and you can ask if you wish for further explanation.

this is why i like the term dynamic – we have changed and evolved over time. some needs grew from our experiences i think and some were simply put out into the light. we are now at a time i will submit to His will in BDSM because sometimes He finds a need for sexual gratification from it and sometimes i submit because He has a darker, deeper side that needs to come out to play.

‘Yes, make noises, I want to hear them. I love to hear you whimper and whine for me.’

‘I love the look of your ass, of your body, … but I love it with my marks on it, more.’

‘Here, I’ll hold you by your hair to make you face the mirror. I want to see your face while I paddle your ass.’

and the first one i think i remember Him ever saying out loud ‘I do love to watch you struggle, for me.’

so yeah, sometimes it’s because it’s sexual, sometimes it’s because He knows i enjoy it and sometimes it’s because He knows right then i don’t enjoy, but i endure.

clear as mud?!?! lol

happy friday, friends! dogs seem to be telling me Master is home! *smirk*

ttfn ❤ n

it seems i struck a chord!

the other day i made a comment in passing, jest?!? i don’t know call it as you will … but i made a comment about being let ‘off leash’

seems that struck a chord with Master! *smiles* He has decided, at least the last few days, to add a leash to my collar that is also attached to His bed post. this is to be where and how i practice my kneeling for Him.

all the other stuff is still there too, collar, cuffs, pins (or today bears) gag, blindfold … i’ve just now been tethered as well!

i’m not writing because it’s hard to wrap my head around, i’m writing because i really quite like that He’s gone here again. *smiles* i used to sleep leashed to the bed … we had to stop for a while due to, you know, ‘life’ and then there was the cancer and time apart and i guess it just never came back.

being tethered to the bed now brings back a lot of fond feelings … a calmness and a belonging that i just can’t explain!

in other news, Jon Masters has once again written a thoughtful post, on sadism, that has also brought back memories. i am hoping to get back here to write on it before Master gets home and my time becomes His! or perhaps He will allow me anyway – He does like to read my thoughts these days!

tgif, friends!

❤ n

thursdays …

some time ago, a long while ago, i sent Master a picture of me, cleaning the upstairs bathroom (because that’s what my chores list says) nude from the bottom down.

it was cold and living in an old home with no insolation in the walls – well, it gets really cold! in these times Master allows me to wear clothes when doing chores (or if i’m not alone at home). the reason thursdays always bring out some really kinky and slutty feelings however is because that thursday i wore the hollow anal plug for Him!! Eek!

it’s large enough to be felt! and it’s also, well, it holds me open … if that’s not a humiliating thought – i don’t know what is! to me of course, everyone is different

ever since that day, every thursday – in my mind at least – is hollow plug day! it brings feeling of objectification, humiliation and also of simply having my slutty side on display!

it also reminds me of how He likes to use me and then have me ass up waiting for Him to fill the open space with His cum … *blush* that too! He had to remove it then of course or well, you can imagine what would happen if ones stands or straightens! :O so He removes it and replaces it with some other anal plug so that i have no choice but to carry Him around with me …

yup, see, *sigh* thursdays! that’s why He has that label on my bedside i guess …. i best get to work …

hope you have a wonderful day, friends!

❤ n

slave trepidation

i have so much control in so many aspects of life that it can sometimes be hard to accept some of the areas where i do not

i don’t like the fact that my likeness is being used on the front page of someone else’s blog. there is said, i don’t like it for many reasons but mainly because i just feel awkward and that it’s not as perfect as i would like.

now you might say i have it here, true, but it’s just on a blog post not front page. not very many people, if any, start at the beginning of someone else’s blog and read from there forward. the amount of people who would/will than see it becomes minimal. that’s not the case on a front page …

Master on the other hand is quite happy with the picture and so did decide to allow its use, for now. the page also belongs to a dominant so now there are two of them deciding this – well sort of – Master decides ultimately what to do with it, the other decides if they want to use it or not ….

it’s just very weird in my head to come to terms with. i don’t like it, like i already mentioned, but i do like the feeling of really having no say in this whatsoever, just wish it wasn’t this! *chuckle* i’m just f*cked up in the head i guess ….

Master has been making more and more requests of me and slowly taking more and more control of my day. THAT part i do like. this weekend He decided to spank me again, in the large picture window - He knows that messes with my head and sets me up to slavespace, and it did.

my ass is pretty well marked up as well as my sit spots and down my legs … He was at it long enough and hard enough to take me to that special place! *yays* between the window, the spanking and the being told that my ‘ass looks great’ and when He says it does i will believe it …. He pushed my mindset into just where He wants it

thank you, Master! ❤

btw, i never cry at spankings, i know that’s a thing for some and i think that’s great but i spent too many years wasting my time and energy trying to figure out why i just couldn’t. feared for a while it was that i ‘wouldn’t’ and therefore not submitting … nope not true, not for me anyway!

i’m a masochist, i crave pain, i love pain, when done properly it takes me into slavespace and i stop responding so much and just grunting and groaning and losing all track of my senses. this is why i rely on my Master to know when to stop because i probably would never! lol

He was sure to tell me that too, now i remember – ‘We need to take care of this little ass, be careful with it.’ He likely sensed i was still craving more but that was before i fell into slavespace. after that i really don’t know.

when i came ‘back’ He was rubbing lotion onto my backside and working out all the knots and ‘leather’. *ouchie* but needed

when i might cry however is after mind blowing sex and orgasms … if i’m deep into slavespace and then we have sex and He allows me to orgasm(s) THEN i break down and start crying uncontrollably – sometimes even laugh crying because i can’t stop but i’m NOT sad!! lol

so there you have it ….

happy monday, friends!

❤ n

Eek, they’re here!!

as i mentioned in new toys and switching to slave mode, Master had tasked me with finding replacement and additional toys for His toy box! they all had to do with the fact that He wanted me plugged for Him 24/7 and as i mentioned last post, we do need to be careful not to over tax those muscles!! not in a bad way, anyway! *wink*

well in that vain we ordered not only the swirly anal plugs but also these:

well, they just arrived! Eek!! just in time for Him to have me anally filled up for His pleasure – again!

no, by the way, these are not the toy i was referring to. sorry! *wink*

nervous – excited – wondering just how long He will maintain this now that He has new toys to play with! also, feeling rather slutty, much the way He wants me to feel, i’m sure! ❤

❤ n