F#$% – i am so frustrated!!

UGH these are the days i wish i did have access to a community of my own. days where i could vent my frustrations in a place where it wouldn’t be misunderstood, or tried to be fixed or what have you. just a place to VENT – people of a like mind to vent to and with …

this morning started off ‘okay’ not great because i wasn’t sure where my mind was at and if i was really ready?! or interested?! or invested?! … not sure what the correct feeling – of restarting with the chastity belt and that aspect of our M/s. it seems kind of redundant almost since all my physical issues have kept kink and sex on the back burner anyway!!

secondly, it’s been so f#$ken long since i’ve had any sort of sexual gratification … am i really in the right place mentally for it?? my submission, servitude and sexuality are very much linked, i don’t think i could do one without the other in my slave mindset.

anyway, it all became even more complicated because my system is completely out of wack, AGAIN!! not sure if it’s a cold bug but i really don’t think so. my last ultrasound started off 8 days of heavy bleeding even though i had only finished my cycle 1 1/2 weeks earlier! UGH!!! now i’m still spotting pretty much on and off every day, cramping and exhaustion and of course now upset stomach …. *sigh*

with all this stuff going on the last thing i need is to be wearing the belt. it is easy enough to keep clean normally and not an issue to wear long term BUT with everything else going wrong i don’t want to chance getting a UTI or infection – my system tends to be very sensitive to all things and when i do get either of those it takes weeks or even months to come back from it!

so yeah, i’m Master’s slave and i had to tell Him again, that i can not do what He wishes of me.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Pexels.com

what purpose do i serve as His slave if i can’t follow through on my agreed to place?

yes i know, He’d never think that and i am more than just just sex toy BUT having a bunch of other slave girls to commiserate with would probably be helpful. it’s like listening to breakup songs after a relationship ends. they say it provides a venue to purge the bad feels and then start anew.

i suppose it’s like a punishments for misdeeds in our world of BDSM isn’t it? it provides an outlet to be free of guilt and start fresh.

i was going to write a little about collars but i’m afraid i’m a bit disheartened atm and really just need to vent …. thanks for coming along for the ride.

❤

What is it about the penis??

i mentioned that we have been learning about ourselves, our kinks and our needs through new explorations in chastity. we’ve also been exploring the ideas of a threesome (of sorts) and cuckqueaning :O in enters ‘slutty suzie’ lol

our fantasies have been brought to ‘life’ with a sex toy that stands in for another woman.

Master is always Master, He is always ultimately in charge and i am always under His control. suzie of course has no voice so all instructions still come from Master. it has been interesting!

in all our exploration the one thing that i think i have learned concretely is that His penis i. do. not. want. to share …. neither do i want another in me! i’ve learned that my fantasy at least centers around other women. preferably someone we do not ‘know’. not a friend, not a long term relationship of any sort. more like a play partner at a sex party. vetted and interviewed before hand to set expectations and limits of course but just not someone we hang out with, if that makes sense.

i don’t want to be in control of anything, i don’t want to be the alpha sub, i just want to be the bottom. life has me in control ALL the time and this would be a complete release from that!

so …. in my mind at least it is very much centered on S&M, bondage and humiliation. there might be some oral and perhaps some hands on play with toys and fingers …. the two of them commenting, teasing and humiliating me ….

i wrote a fantasy about it – perhaps i can find it!?!

anyhow, a threesome – possibly??? cuckqueaning … that i think will stick to a sexy but fake ‘other woman’! thoughts?? what have you experienced?

❤ n

Butt stuff, why??

our journey getting here was not exactly straight forward. i’m willing to bet that for many kinksters the journey was more about detours than linear! i admit i never thought that a chastity belt would ever be something in our toy box. the thought of being kinky and getting less sex made no sense at all to me! lol

the truth really is that we tend to engage more in sexual fun when we are in a dynamic that includes the belt than without it! it’s the effect that it has on me mentally and the way He enjoys the thought and look of it. so not to sound cliché BUT it really is through my mind and through His eyes!

the chastity belt for us acts as foreplay. it rubs and ‘holds’ things all day long. every movement has some sort of reminder that i am His, He is mine and we are kinky! *chuckle* it’s like having His hand on me the entire time i wear it. since i am off for the summer i have a lot of time to daydream and be bored …. this solves that problem.

the other factor here is all the anal sex. that too was a bit of a twist and twirl of a ride! i mentioned in a previous post that i have endometriosis and pulyps – it makes vaginal sex VERY painful at times. not all the time, there are lengths of time that it’s okay but there are also other times that even my masochism can’t handle it! no amount of lube or foreplay can take care of that. i used to think it was just me, that i wasn’t turned on enough (even though i clearly thought i was before starting!! lmao). finally found out this year that it is in fact a physical condition that i can not help.

that doesn’t however mean that i wasn’t horny as hell and in need of sexual release! being His submissive also meant that not being able to be of use was really bad for my mental health. it was depressing not being able to do what i had agreed i wanted to provide for Him. NO He would never blame or be angry about it, His position was always one of care and concern. when you’re deep into a submissive mindset though …… that helps but it doesn’t really disappear.

so we adapted – it’s not the only thing anal sex does for us, when deep into slave mindset it does stoke the fires of my emotional masochism that i have also discovered! BUT, that’s for another post.

❤

Thursday – hollow plug day

at least in my head it is, it’s been for a looong time *blush* it’s one of the things that i can wear/do without having to be in private and i find it most humiliating!!! which of course makes it very titillating! :O

you see, some years ago on a thursday, which is clean upstairs bath day, i was wearing the hollow plug for training as per Master’s order. since it was the bathroom and i was planning on showering right after any ….. i had nothing on but the plug and a t-shirt. i could catch glimpses of myself in the mirror from time to time and i swear it even made me blush a few times when i did!!

ever since that day every thursday the idea of a hollow plug and me half naked pops into my head – without fail! it reminds me what a little slut i am for Master and it reinforces my place as His whore …. needless to say it really works on my slave mindset! LoL

today i’m giving the chastity belt a break because i’ve been drinking lots of water trying to ward off a UTI (gotta love female problems and monthlies!) so Master ordered a plug only. i think i may surprise Him by trying the new one ….. i couldn’t manage it for His pleasure the first time but if i do – well, i think He will be very pleased! especially if i get a nice picture to send Him *smiles* i guess we’ll find out.

********

in case you hadn’t noticed this blog will cover everything in the day of a sex slave (consensual of course!!) from the good to the bad, even to the ugly. i grew tired of reading only the yippie happy posts and the ones full of sexual escapades. YES we have lots of those but there are many other aspects of life that need to fit into our dynamic and many times when the mind is willing but the body throws a wrench into it …. like this damn cycle of monthlies and then fight off UTI *UGH* but it happens ….

any questions? i’d love to have thoughts, ideas or just plain curiosities to ponder and answer. i will be diving into what i learned/experienced with the chastity belt and how i found it could be best worn 24/7

happy kinking, friends!

❤ n

And ….. we’re back!

it was our long weekend and an extra day for the doctor’s appointment friday! made for a really long weekend which would have been great if it hadn’t rained almost the entire time!! lol oh well, such is life …

to my Canadian friends, happy Canada Day – to my American friends, happy Independence Day! despite all the issues playing out we are still very lucky to live where we do, it could certainly be worse!

as to M/s, we’ve been having fun and thursday night – friday morning Master decided to make very good use of all my holes! well thursday night He did, friday morning He chose only two!!! has the chastity thing started in earnest??

i really didn’t think He’d do anything until after we were back from the appointment but seems i was way off in that assessment :O :O not only is He making use of His slut but He is also using the chastity belt, when possible, it’s not 24/7 due to my monthly cycle and then a few other physical issues that crept in …. it always seems to be this way that my condition worsens with my monthlies …. BUT it’s better now!

this morning He has ordered me back into the chastity belt and one of the new soft plugs. i guess He also wants me to fit in time with the hollow plug i mentioned last post to ummm, stretch things out a bit again! *blush*

there is yet another new toy He purchased that i have not written about but He was unable to use it as He wished to when it came in because i’m just simply not ‘ready’ yet. after a long break in anal play the muscles just simply aren’t prepared to accept whatever torment Master has in store, so the training begins again … Eeek!

seems it’s going to be an interesting summer!!

i have started working out again when i can, it helps me with my physical issues and i know i should muscle through when i can BUT i can’t deny that i always seem much more invested when it’s ‘Master’s whore’ i’m looking after rather than just myself. *shrug* the mind is a weird and wonderful thing, is it not??

now – i’m both looking forward to and dreading having to ‘train’ with the hollow plug. it makes me feel very much a whore and very much under His control. it starts to move me deeper into slavespace and for that i AM very grateful!

❤ n