Author Archives: nijntje

learning, loving, ever evolving into a loving M/s marriage

i’ve lost it

it’s here some where, i’m sure it is …. i think …. but i can’t find it. the only thing i know for sure is that i’ve lost it!

i don’t crave it, i’m not even sure i want it – right now.

Photo by Satyabratasm on Pexels.com

my days seem long and boring, i have no kinky ambition what so ever. my submission has always been very tightly linked to my sexuality and my kink. currently i have none of those ….

i go about my days trying to keep up the best i can with the house work/daily tasks list that we had made up but i can bet you He never actually looks to check, or even remembers to comment.

my health is up and down as usual and He seems more focused on that than anything else. makes sense i suppose except that the ‘everything else’ helps my mind and in turn my health. it can’t ‘fix’ me but it can at least give me a focus other than defeat – and a purpose other than simple survival.

He never did ask about the naughty video i made so after a month i deleted it. i had some pc problems and the eldest was fixing it for me. i wouldn’t want him accidently finding something he shouldn’t!! lol

He gave me control over my orgasms again, when i’m alone. it’s been over a decade i think since that was the case but since things are so off track kink wise He said i could have them back – for now. i honestly have no idea what to do with them! lmao

like i said in the beginning – no craving, no want, no desire … i don’t feel submissive at all.

later friends!

❤ n

primal passions, all tied up … (or just a ramble) lol

i decided not to hang out in my sweats on friday – i decided i needed to jump in and try to at least have some sort of kinky time …

it has been so long that i’m not sure either of us remembers all the details of what we had hashed out over the years!! but one thing i did kind of remember and asked Him about.

we decided long ago that it was better for me to have the option of ‘playing’ with toys or just myself as long as there was no edging or cumming without permission! it works better for us this way because it keeps me in the right frame of mind, it keeps me horny and then it keeps me engaged.

His work keeps Him busy and not always able to check His phone or receive my messages. i wouldn’t expect Him to at work anyway but it does hinder any kind of kinky naughtiness i may want to get up to!! *chuckle* after a lot of time and frustration on both parts, He decided this plan would be the best way forward …. i had just kind of forgotten, and the drugs of course … that didn’t help! so ..

so on friday i played around with a toy that gets very little use! poor thing, it really was just crying out for attention!! *smirk* both the toy and me! 😛 i had a video for Him too – NO, i can’t share it here LoL i don’t have to ask on that one, i know the answer already!! it started some stirring in me, not just that kind! naughty readers – but the kink coming back to life kind. trying to come back at least, i’m not there yet but at least i have kinky thoughts intruding on my day here and there …. that’s something! *smiles*

i was going to write a short recap of some of our weekend but looks like i got side tracked! lol work has been hellish lately and i have been a bit stressed. the weekend was a nice change of pace, even if it was interrupted!! *UGH* but, i have to get ready for work now so i’ll have to come back to my primal passions thought!! or recap may be a better word … to be continued! *wink*

❤ n

must be the drugs???

i have found myself rather *bleh* as of late. i can’t place my finger on the why and i can’t seem to discern how to fix it either.

the med i’m on to help with the endometriosis and cysts says it has a side effect of depression. i can’t say i’m depressed, i don’t think – but i am certainly not my bouncy, hopping self, either …

so, is it possible? is it the drugs?

W is back to another infusion appointment tomorrow. when he first had to restart treatments i waited at home, in my free time, for Master like this:

this time around i have absolutely no kinky desire …. i’ll probably wait more like this:

oh well.

❤ n

not much

i haven’t got a whole lot to write about at the moment, not much is going on of note.

Master did have some fun with the loopy rug beater … He left a few bruises on my butt however i hardly felt it … *humm* bizarre, right?

i think i’ve been in so much pain lately that the spankings are hardly even noticed – He would have to go much harder and longer to get anywhere close to an endorphin release or subspace!!

Master tends to forget all the ‘tricks of the trade’ when He’s not fully IN the mindset. He didn’t ask me if i was done, He didn’t ask me if i needed more, He did really say anything ….

i suppose maybe it was just for His benefit?? could be. i’m fine with that, not exactly what i was hoping for but it is His right!

anyway, off for now – got chores to do and NO He didn’t keep me locked up, just those few hours before i had to prepare for the afternoon’s work.

i’ll be back once this slump is over but for now i may just switch gears and go back to the other side of my brain with writings ..

❤ n

i’ve been away – apologies

i haven’t written because i haven’t been feeling well, tired and sore and a cold! UGH

W too has been sick which always worries me – he’ll be starting antibody infusions as of tomorrow to help keep him from getting sick, over and over.

otherwise things are fine, slow and not kinky! lol just no time, energy or want at the moment. it takes its toll on us both but there we are.

i’m starting to feel a bit better now and so i hope that’s the start of coming back …. not fevered now so that’s a good sign! the weekend is coming and i’m hoping to take full advantage!! *wink*

happy thursday, friends!

❤ n

what we are not

as usual, being over at Jon Masters blog sparks ideas in this hoppy little mind, so i thought i’d write a very short … what we are not.

the idea of abuse in M/s is what sparked this 🙂

we are not Michael Makai – we are not NXIVM (Keith Raniere) – we are not Andrew Tate , should have recycled your pizza boxes, dumb ass!

Jon had a picture, which was pretty obviously just set for a photo op, but the picture itself wasn’t offensive to me. i enjoy aspects of humiliation and degradation, much more than the picture itself. it did however remind me that no matter how kinky and how different we all can be, there are still abusive relationships and organizations out there. some under the labels we use …

use your common sense. if it feels wrong to you, stop.

if you are miserable – stop

if however you are enjoying yourself, no matter how it may look to the outside world – well, knock your socks off! *grin*

stay kinky, stay safe, stay sane!

happy friday, friends!

❤ n

february

before we hit the new month, what do you all want to hear about?

anything been rattling around and you just haven’t asked? *smiles*

inquiry rabbit minds want to know. 😉 you can reach me, and Master, through the contact page if you prefer.

❤ n

spiral

seems i’ve gotten myself into a bit of a spiral – my head is spinning and i know i’ve been pushing buttons!

i’ve probably gotten away with a bit more than what i should, been walking that fine line i guess you could say

Bear has been sick, we’ve had a lot to do … the damn back yard is flooded! been pumping out water all weekend and it just keeps coming. gave up on thinking things will normalize and we’ve ordered a 2″ gas powered water pump! unfortunately it won’t be here till wed. or thurs.

dishwasher broke – had to take it out this weekend as well, new one should be here wed.

i’ve been dreaming weird things – this morning i dreamt about smoking!?!? WTF?? i haven’t smoked in over 10 years but for some reason i dreamt it

He told me this morning i need a spanking!

i couldn’t agree more! problem is i don’t know how He’s going to manage that with no privacy … i think the ball gag would be a good start, not just for noise but because it puts me in the mindset that i truly have no say in the matter

this looks about right in my opinion, not that it matters what i think here. i guess we’ll see!

happy monday, friends!

❤ n

it seems i struck a chord!

the other day i made a comment in passing, jest?!? i don’t know call it as you will … but i made a comment about being let ‘off leash’

seems that struck a chord with Master! *smiles* He has decided, at least the last few days, to add a leash to my collar that is also attached to His bed post. this is to be where and how i practice my kneeling for Him.

all the other stuff is still there too, collar, cuffs, pins (or today bears) gag, blindfold … i’ve just now been tethered as well!

i’m not writing because it’s hard to wrap my head around, i’m writing because i really quite like that He’s gone here again. *smiles* i used to sleep leashed to the bed … we had to stop for a while due to, you know, ‘life’ and then there was the cancer and time apart and i guess it just never came back.

being tethered to the bed now brings back a lot of fond feelings … a calmness and a belonging that i just can’t explain!

in other news, Jon Masters has once again written a thoughtful post, on sadism, that has also brought back memories. i am hoping to get back here to write on it before Master gets home and my time becomes His! or perhaps He will allow me anyway – He does like to read my thoughts these days!

tgif, friends!

❤ n